(or, What I’ve learned while blogging for daily bread.)

What was it Little Orphan Annie said, “It’s a hard-knock life?”  Or was that Jay-Z?  Whomever gets the credit: they were right.  I didn’t even know that they blogged.  Here was my erroneous thought process as I launched ReamofPaper: 1) I’m a pretty decent writer.  2) I have some friends who will form an automatic audience.  3) I have read a bunch of blogs about blogging, even a book (though it was not a book labeled specifically “for dummies,” which may be my problem).

Turns out that many of the most profitable blogs are about blogging.  This is like watching a movie that is about a movie, and not the acting, plot etc.  Blogs about blogging are movies about the Best Boy and the Grip and the Make-up Artist and the Best Boy’s Make-up Artist narcissisticly doing their jobs, though they are oddly helpful.  Seriously, I love problogger.net and the dedicated professional bloggers who help us little people.  It’s the copy-cat blogs that drive me nuts.

While the Ream audience has been a dedicated lot (thank you for this), we’re small, like an indie film about the importance of plankton.  While I tirelessly plod along hoping to add some spiritual meaning to your life, let me tell you future and fellow bloggers what I’ve learned since launching Ream of Paper 4 months ago.  I’ve compiled 7 blogging tips, I’ll call them Rabbits, you know, the things magicians yank out of top hats.  These 7 rabbits are the things some bloggers tell other bloggers to do in order to build a blogging empire.   Blogger: refresh thyself with a moment of levity!

Rabbit Number 1 – Use Great Titles For Your Posts.

I’ve found that the best titles are ones that mimic titles of famous books written by bald, Mormon guys.  You’re reading one right now.  How to Spin Heads of Important People is another fine suggestion.  (Feel free to suggest more titles in the comment section.)  Titles should make your readers feel as if they have no other option but to read your work.  A good example might be, Octomom is Angelina’s Orphaned Sister.  While this is not true, you’d read it wouldn’t you?  Lie a little.  It has worked for the magazines in the check out aisles.  Credibility?  Just watch TMZ and you’ll learn exactly how little credibility counts anymore!

Rabbit Number 2 – Blog In Lists.

Because life often happens in numerical order.  Lists really get to the heart of the matter, don’t they?  That’s why those Chicken Soup for the Soul books have done so well; their wonderful lists!  Nothing warms my innards like reading the board that hangs on my refrigerator.  Milk, bread, cheese, eggs… I feel better already.  Lists help your readers systematize their lives.  This is a very nice idea for those without children or spouses or any other living relatives or friends.

Rabbit Number 3 – Choose a Niche

So far this has been my biggest mistake.  I have been writing primarily about things of a spiritual nature using everyday examples.  For future bloggers, might I suggest writing about your best experience with batteries or reviewing the menu at Taco Bell or your lawn tractor.  What color is it?  What are the measurements of the belts?  What is the proper inflation of the tires?  What is the tightest turn you have ever made with your CubCadet, and were you drinking beer at the time of said turn?

You get the idea.  Don’t blog about life.  Or God. Those topics are too broad.  Seriously, no one likes to think about God.  What are you, a philosopher?

Rabbit Number 4 – Set a Schedule and use keywords

There is no telling which schedule will work for your niche.  You’ll have to experiment.  If you do not heed my advice and choose to blog about the big things like life and God; don’t post too frequently.  Twice a week – on days when no one is busy voting for their favorite American Idol.  If you’re comparing Duracells to Energizers, go ahead and post away.  The more times you say “Duracell,” and the more times you highlight “Duracell,” is the most Energizer – ing way to drive Duracell traffic to your Duracell site.  The traffic will leave you feeling Energizer – ed.

Rabbit Number 5 – Use Humor

What kind of humor?  I’ve found that slapstick doesn’t play in blogging-Peoria, so stick with irony.  The irony about using irony is that people who have discovered your wonderful list about lawn tractors will inevitably miss your stabs at humor,  probably accusing you of Mowing While Intoxicated.  This is especially common if one has accidentally blogged about God in some fashion.  I suggest using humor sparingly.  After all, information is inherently non-funny.  “Two Irishmen were sitting at a bar…”  Of course they were!  See.

Rabbit Number 6 – Shorter is Better

This is true.  Think “bumper sticker.”  No one likes to have to tailgate to read the wisdom posted on the back of your Oldsmobile.  Make it pop.  “Ron Paul for President.”  Enough said, I know you already.  Why is it that you “brake for garage sales”?  We don’t really care, but when we see your brake lights, we’ll assume you need a glued-together Hummel figurine or used mauve drapes.  You’ve stated your case with brevity, and now we all know you!

Rabbit Number 7 – Have Fun

Welcome to the only Rabbit of blogging where I consistently succeed.  There is nothing quite as gratifying as posting a humorous, short, well-titled list about my lawn tractor which hopefully sneaks in the backdoor and registers as something spiritual.  I imagine readers: tears streaming down their faces, keyboards smoking from the collection of saltwater puddles, saying, “I thought this was supposed to be about lawn tractors or Octomom’s estranged relationship with Angelina, and somehow it’s not.  It’s subtly about my soul and my life.  Thank God for you Ream of Paper.  Thank God for you!”

Thank God for you as well, dear reader.  My tear-stained image of you keeps me blogging.  Love to you all.

ReamofPaper

Tomorrow’s post: Carmen Electra Uses Duracells to Power her CubCadet Tractor (while mowing Octomom’s lawn).