I heard the greatest modern story the other day.  It was so packed with irony and morals, if O. Henry had read it, he’d have thrown up his hands and retired on the spot.  It goes like this…

There was young woman named Carrie Prejean who, as Miss California, competed for Miss USA, part of the Miss Universe dynasty.  Now please don’t confuse this with Miss America, which continues to have some merit.  Miss Universe, run by the ever-classy Donald Trump, is the meat-market variety pageant.

So Miss Prejean answered a pageant question thusly: “Well I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. You know what, in my country, in my family, I do believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and I believe that it should be between a man and a woman.”

perez hilton

This appears to be a kind and firm, if linguistically-challenged, answer to the same-sex marriage question posed by celeb blogger Perez Hilton.  Of course this answer is probably the teeniest bit offensive to Hilton, a gay man, but hey, he asked her opinion.  Here you might notice the first great irony of this story:  out of a sea of humanity, the best judge Donald Trump could find for his female beauty competition is a very gay man?  Not that gay men do not appreciate feminine beauty, but simple biology would indicate there might be a large crowd of men with far more impressive credentials in determining which female contestant is hotter (remember, this is not the Miss America pageant).

Well it gets worse.  Carrie Prejean then becomes a pariah.  Media outlets hate her because she has an opinion, and I should add, as a Californian, a vote on Proposition 8.  She appeared at her church, and did some spokesperson work for a national marriage organization.  Some semi-nude photos of Miss California begin to surface, presumably because her answer angered some people.  Irony number 2: the most moral voice always has some looming contradiction.  God bless her though, she was young and dumb, and some of them, I’ve heard, were respectable modeling photos.  (I should note that my wife will not let me research this topic any further!)  But wait…

Decades too late, Moakler dismisses Miss Universe Organization

Donald Trump tells Miss Carrie Prejean, “You’re NOT fired.”  This prompts Shanna Moakler, head of Miss California USA to resign in a huff, stating, “I cannot with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss Universe Organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth.  I want to be a role model for young woman with high hopes of pageantry…”

Moakler, who’s personal history includes some clothing-free work for one Mr. Hefner (so I am told, again research has here been restricted by my wife), is incensed.  Apart from this work, one might know her as ex-Mrs. Travis Baker, drummer for Blink-182 and co-star of the MTV show The Bakers.  Yes, just so you got the facts straight, one nude model judges another to be immoral.  I thought she said she wanted to be a role model?  If you’re keeping score: this is irony number 3.

According to the Mercury News, Detractors claim, Prejean may have violated her contract by not disclosing that “she had posed for topless photos and by giving interviews and making public appearances in which she defended her opposition to gay marriage” by speaking at her church and doing work for the National Organization for Marriage.  Wait a second, her contract states that she cannot morally oppose gay marriage?

NOT FIRED!

The end-all voice of morality, Donald Trump, gave her a pass saying, “We’ve reviewed the pictures carefully.”  We’re sure you did, Mr. Trump.  He continued, “We’ve made a determination that the pictures taken were acceptable.”

The philandering philanthropist for beautiful young women and aspiring businesspeople went on to be the voice of reason and moral guidance defending Prejean (irony 4), “It’s the same answer the president of the United States gave,” Trump said. “It’s the same answer many people gave.  She gave an honorable answer.  She gave an answer from her heart, and I think for that she has to be commended.”

I know what you’re asking: “Hey ReamofPaper, what is the spiritual aspect of this story, the moral, if you will?”  The whole story is oozing with morality.  To be truthful, I am still counting the sub-points.  Moral 1: If you’re running a beauty pageant without a talent competition and without awarding scholarships (no, the Playboy Mansion is NOT an institution of higher-learning) keep the contestants quiet.  Moral 2: If you ask for someone’s opinion, you should not hope they lie to make you feel better, Mr. Hilton.  Moral 3: Nude models judge other nude models as immoral.  Who knew?  Moral 4: Creepy Donald Trump is always right.

Seriously, to be human is to embrace hypocrisy.  No one tries; though we’re all well accomplished.  It is an unfortunate part of the human condition.  Journalists, activists and politicians on every side of the same-sex marriage issue have all attempted to bolster the moral case for their cause.  With all due respect to their efforts, if one is building a moral position based on the outcome of a silly beauty pageant, one should expect to be building on sinking sand regardless of one’s stance.  I have to say the only real sustainable moral is simply this: as the human race, we’re a mess.  And that, folks, is an old, old story.