With Jesus scheduled to make his perennial infantile appearance in just over a month, it is time to get the boycotted shopping list together.  The Gap has been very naughty according to the AFA, and should expect to discover flaming sulfur in their Inclusive Winter Celebration stockings.  And if they should dare to bring the Lord a one-sy from the Baby Gap, Mother Mary should have the foresight to take it back or to burn it on a public street.  It is time to protect the “true meaning of Christmas,” as a season of intensified neo-political clout, as advocated by Precious Moments figurines.

Consider this concept known to theologians as the incarnation: the eternal God clothing himself in human flesh.  I know it’s a stretch, but the Christian faith hinges upon it.  This would mean that baby Jesus, born of a virgin, entered a world polluted by Kwanzaa, Solstice, Festivus, Hanukkah, Paganism commanded by the Roman Empire, the American Empire, consumerism, greed, advertising and the like; and that this God entered this cesspool of his own volition.  God entered human history so that American Christians a couple thousand years later could wear green and red “We’re #1” foam fingers.  (At the time of this press, manufacturers are still debating which finger will be extended.)

One of the biblical writers suggested, “Perfect loves casts out fear.”  Don’t believe it!  Protect that baby; and for heaven sake’s move him indoors!  Train him for war before he starts spilling nonsense about “not coming into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.”  Do your best to spread the fear, because Jesus and his kingdom are rapidly losing ground; he’s just a baby.

Jesus is coming.  If he should happen to say anything about loving your enemies or doing good to those that hate you or persecute you, remember: he’s just a baby! Babies don’t possess developed self-preservation skills.  Besides, he’s probably been influenced by Gandhi biographers.  Ignore that fluff; sharpen your sword, and never, under any circumstances open a GAP card.

When a cashier wishes you a Happy Holidays, as required by their employer, make sure that you do a little rant for baby Jesus.  He is way into that sort of thing, and people find your piety endearing and impressive to boot.  Nothing is so great a witness to the incarnation as a minor temper tantrum in aisle 4.  Go for it!

Another biblical writer said, “As much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  Of course he wasn’t living in the prison of 21st century Secular America.  (He was living in an actual, physical prison of Pagan Rome, but who is keeping score?)  Also ignore this advice.

In order to win this war, I’ve suggested ignoring the teachings of three people: the apostle John, Jesus and the apostle Paul.  Or in other words, “bye-bye New Testament!”  We still have Jude, James, Hebrews and both Peter’s; that should be plenty.  The GAP only has sweaters in their defense.  We got ‘em this year.

(reamofpaper is preparing for a sarcasm-free Advent, though we all know that probably won’t happen.  If you are not boycotting the GAP, Ryan has his eyes on a sweet blazer from Banana Republic.  Gift Cards are appreciated.)

Oh and if you’re looking to add some meaning to Christmas, consider adventconspiracy.org.