A public service message for wives:

After 13 years of marriage, my wife began doing something of which I had only heard dark rumors.  I have no idea why she waited 13 years to pull out this handy little maneuver.  When it appeared in our living room I understood what my friends have been complaining about their whole married lives.  It goes like this: “You wanna talk?”

No worthwhile conversation has ever resulted from asking your husband, “You wanna talk?”

“But…” I hear you already interjecting.  Stop, this is my public service announcement.  Let me repeat: No worthwhile conversation… ever!  If you’re newly married or dating, you might be able to guilt a small dialogue out of him.  Something about work or the gym, but if he ain’t talking about it already, you probably won’t coerce it from him.  (And if you have waited, say, 13 years to break out this big gun; you’re WAY too late!)  The best you’ll get from us is a terse one word answer, though you might anticipate a truculent exchange if this is your lead-in to conversation.

Allow me to answer “You wanna talk?” for all men…

“__________________________________.”

What you think

You think that we don’t want to talk.  That’s not it.  We do.  Talking is like work; we like work, but occasionally we hate going to work.  Once we’re there we make the best of it.  Talking is like that.

Now, we know how you like to feel superior to males in every way, so think of this as tricking us into conversation.  Bypass the going to work feeling, and just start talking.  We’ll talk back, and sometimes we’ll even listen.  We’re not really fooled by this method, but it’s okay if you believe that you have outwitted us.  You win!

You might also think that when we’re not with you, we’re having emotionally thread-baring conversations elsewhere.  You’ll have to take my word for this: we are not.  Not at all.  Your husband has doubtlessly tried to convince you of this before, and you didn’t listen.  You are our favorite person to talk to.  We don’t talk endlessly on the phone.  We’re not looking to start up conversations standing in the bank line.  We don’t talk that much.  Accept it.

Somewhere it is written “a fool is known by his/her many words” (and you wanted a gender-neutral version of the bible).  This is our motto.

A helpful analogy

You’re still not getting it?  Think of it like sex.  First of all, you don’t allow us to walk through the door and ask, “You wanna do it?”  We learned to not do this in year two of marriage; it was a hard lesson to learn following year one when it was totally acceptable and met with positive results.  We adapted and evolved, learning more sophisticated methods.

Setting the mood

You’re not going to like this anymore than we do.  You need the lights at a certain level, some background music, the proper location, a comfortable temperature, endless adulation.  You have to feel like it.  A romantic comedy has to be fresh in your mind.  We just need a location.  It does not have to be proper, in fact, improper = better – for us (but this is advanced learning, we don’t expect you to master everything in one PSA).

For men, talking is like that.  Set the mood.  Turn on 300 and say, “Whoa, did you see that guy’s head come off his body,” with enthusiasm.  Even if we’re woefully skinny, interrupt a conversation by complimenting a muscle or something like that.  During conversation, stroke our hair.  Rub our feet.  Remember all the hoops you make us jump through.  We are way easier than you, trust me.

Allowing headaches

Frequently we let you slide with some lame excuse.  “I have gas.  I need to paint my nails.  This is my favorite episode of Friends.”  Terrible excuses, all of them.  Give us a break too.  Headaches are real.  Sometimes.

When we fail to have conversation; and we will, don’t be vindictive.  We are a pretty generous and forgiving gender when it comes to matters of intimacy.  “You never talk to me!” will not help your case.  Give us a break sometimes for no good reason.

Rewarding good behavior

We’re not stupid; we just keep things simple.  Remember when you were training your puppy?  She sat, you tossed her a treat.  You didn’t think your dog was a stupid animal for taking the treat.  No, you gushed, “Whaddagoodpuppy, yes, you are!  Yes, you are!”  Your dog wasn’t fooled into believing she was the smartest, fastest, fetchin’-est dog that ever existed.  She was just accepted, and she wagged her tail.

We do not treat you like inferiors for caving to our advances.  We buy you pretty things and chocolate.  Even the least poetic man on the planet, extracts his head from the Chilton’s Manual long enough to think of something romantic to say as a reward for your good behavior.

Every man knows that he is not fooling his wife.  Each day includes a process to achieve what we want.  Yes, this often includes careful planning.  Go ahead, plan your conversation.  It may not follow the script in your head, but at least you have a concrete goal in mind.  Which leads to this point…

Fantasize

We do.  Think of the perfect conversation in detail; I mean, soul-baring, life-altering interchange.  Where does it take place?  How long does it last?  Are there tears (we hope not)?  What time of the day is it?  Get specific.

Truth: your husband does this all the time.  He does not give up.  Ever.  Even when his ideals are not met.  Even when the experience falls horribly short.  We never stop trying because we have goals.  Fix your sights on the conversation.  When it fails to be as productive as you had hoped.  Try again.  And again.  Your expectations may never be fully realized.  Contentedness comes through effort and dedication.

Hope this helps.

Replies encouraged.  Suggestions for future posts on marriage/understanding men are welcome.